the pimp in me may have to die with you

alright - i've been single (aka separated) for 2.5 years now and dated a lot and dated multiple men at the same time. i've told men i loved them and thought i meant it...but didn't mean it. i've had men fall for me and cut them loose for it. i've used men for what i could get out of them...just for the moment. and then...i met a man (the teddy bear) in november and fell for him in 2 weeks. everything that was on my list...well almost everything. and then he let me down...and he was done. the next day i met a wonderful man called "the sheriff". so in 11 days it will be 3 months that we've been together and i've been struggling with some kind of inner war with myself. i can't figure it out...i'm feeling weird about being commited yet i don't want to lose him. does this mean i'm not ready for a relationship...or is it just a fear that the shit is getting serious and i could potentially get hurt in the end again? i feel something pulling me towards my old ways...but i'm not that person anymore. every little things he does or says i'm instantly defensive all of a sudden. and then last night...it hit me...i figured it out. there is a certain balance that i am losing...will i lose myself in another relationship...in another man??? FUCK NO! is this man everything i want in a man...i'm not sure yet. why does everything need to be labeled? why do men think that women want their babies? why do men think that women want to get married? there are some of us who have been down that path already and it got us a life sentence of single parenting and one shitty income to live on. so what does it all mean now? it means i gotta slow it down and stay true to me. i have to learn to use my voice in a relationship like i have out of them in the past 2.5 years. i need to remind myself that nothing is forever...and we all get hurt...i need to remind myself that even though i might love him...i come first...and at the end of the day...if it's him or me...i'm gonna always choose me.

promises

guys please don't promise things you know you cant deliver. like the unemployed guy that promised me the fancy dinner down town taken in a limo and a new dress, uhm honey you were just drinking miller lite in the bar and have no job... how are you paying for that, you gonna shake out all that gel in your hair and sell it? come on, we can size you up quickly, and if you have little money or a lot, doesn't matter, if you lie about things and make shit up that is never going to happen,,,,,,, that is grounds for penis rumors..... just saying....

I would love to go for a walk in the park, or a picnic, or netflix and popcorn. or even that fancy downtown dinner, don't try to impress me with money you don't have because therein lies the problem, a guy that doesn't feel like a lady will go out with him unless he throws cash around. that just screams douche bag

the size doesn't matter theory

hmmm...got your attention with that title huh? so i always hear women say "size doesn't matter"...that's somewhat fact...somewhat fiction. the problem that i have personally ran into is that usually men that are well endowed...don't give a fuck because they think having a big willy is enough to get a woman off...um...it's not fellas...it really is not. they think because it's big that they don't have to participate in any kind of foreplay or cuninlingus. now some women don't like receiving oral...but not any that i'm friends with. i always say...don't trust a woman that doesn't like oral sex. usually the lack of enthusiasm for oral sex on a womans part is just self esteem or body issues (just sayin...from what i've seen). then on the other side of that spectrum is the men that are not endowed at all...they are usually pro's at the foreplay/cuninlingus game. why is it so unfair??? small penis = great guy...big penis = douchebag city...but every so often you meet someone that is just good in all departments (it's a rare finding...but they do exist). then we have the old wive's tale of black men being well hung and white men not...now from my personal experience...it's all bullshit. i've seen some of the smallest black penis's...you would think i was dating a toddler. and those white boys can be packin'...just sayin. when a woman is really into a man and he's really into her...all that other stuff goes out the door because there is usually a mutual want to please one another and you make it work with what you have in front of you. women are emotional creatures so sometimes the emotions or feelings that are present can make a sexual experience greater than any ol' big dick. so...on that note...it's not the size of the package...but how it's delivered...unless they turn out to be a complete asshole...because best believe the first thing a woman will say to hurt that man is how small his penis is...it's just where we know we can hurt a man the most. ~may

wacky dudes

I really am grateful for the things I have learned about myself and the things that I want from any type of partner. For instance, I dated a guy that was picky about everything, from how my car was not clean enough for him to the way I made a wreath out of flowers, nope,next....... how about the guy with the candycane shaped penis? yeah thats not very useful,sorry, next...... or the coke head that liked to wave his gun around, yeah not so much,next,,,,,, or the guy that complained about how much everything cost during the entire date,no thanks, or the guy with the miniature penis that actually had a girlfriend,,hmmmm really?

if their are so many fish in the sea why is it I keep getting all the ones full of mercury?

so how about a guy that is a generous lover a gentleman, kind, good with kids, likes similar things, kisses me sweetly, and doesnt have weird hang ups about the color of my lingerie,(yeah that was interesting).

he's out there, I know, but in the mean time it sure does make for some funny commentary huh?

you don't like it...then don't watch!!!

moving on is hard to do and sometimes we stay in relationships longer than we should for the simple fear of having to move on. after being in one destructive relationship for so long we go through a period of rebellion as if we are teenagers all over again. that newfound freedom is like an implosion. we've been contained and confined in the walls of that relationship for so long that when it's over we just need to go wild. it results in some choices that are at times frowned upon by people that have no room to judge unless they've been through it in their own lives. one night stands...drinking excessively...staying out all night and partying...these are all things that some of us turn to when we are hurt or confused. but one thing i will say is that we are damn good mothers and when it comes to our kids...they come first and foremost. these men find it hard to believe that we don't want relationships or to "tie them down"...but who wants to start something new with all the turmoil that comes with ending a relationship that has lasted through all of the growing up that the 20's bring. this is our 20's! that little window of time that most people have to themselves to live a single life and get it all out of their system. those of us that marry young and have kids young...we never had that so fuck it...it's our turn bitches! you don't like it...then don't watch and keep your opinions to yourself. who the fuck made you god???

chronic & henny with gaga

so...i dated this guy who we will refer to from here on out as gaga (due to the fact that i was head over heels gaga in love with this fucktard). i dated 3 men during the same year and a half...they were my steadies...we weren't in commited relationships...we just were. so gaga and i went out one evening for drinks. we started out at this one place and had some drinks there...heineken and henny was my drink(s) of choice that evening. so we left the first spot and made our way to another spot we frequented and there i proceeded to consume more henny and heiny...i was feelin' pretty nice at that point and his friend came up and wanted to smoke a blunt with him. so he asked if i would care to partake in this adventure and i reluctantly decided...sure why the eff not. mind you i hadn't smoked more than maybe a hit or two of a bowl since i had my daughter 11 years prior. weed was never my twist. so we're in the car all puffin away...i still remembered that puff puff pass rule so i thought i was good. well...whoopdeefuckin do i got fucking REEEEEtawded!!! we were on our way from there to the next usually spot and i couldn't even see straight...my vision was doubled...OH EM GEE!!! we go in...order drinks...i go to the ladies room to try to regain my composure and i come to the conclusion that there is no way in hell that i can do that lol'z...so i come out...take a few sips of my drink and i turn to him and say...i gotta go. he thought i meant to the little girls room...i said nah dude...like i gotta roll out...we need to leave. i couldn't even walk straight...i threw the keys at him and said lets go papa bear...you gotta drive. ahhh...what a lovely little ride we took when we stopped in this parking lot so he could run and get me some water from this store. well while he was gone i found myself lying in the parking lot with my fingers down my throat trying to make myself throw up (it was the spinnies...we've all had em!) so then he comes out and can't find me and comes around to my side of the car where i am so graciously kneeling on the ground bowing over the little puddle of mary jane and henny. he said "what the fuck are you doin!?!?! get back in the car!!!" i was like...dude i had to get it out. good grief what a lame ass i was. but now that i got it out...i was good to go...let's go to the bar and have another drink. he was like we gotta get you home. but really...i was good. so we went home...i brushed my teeth...we enjoyed a little roll in the hay and then i was off in dream land. when i woke up i was told "yo...you're never smoking weed with me again"...my quirky response..."yo...i'm never smokin weed again WITH ANYONE!!!" so...just a little tale of my experimentation with cronic in my 30's...my how things have changed!!! ~may

dont assume I like you

I've had one night stands where, the guy says afterwards," you know I don't want a relationship".

I have to laugh at them, because its funny that someone would assume that just because I let him fuck me that I also want to make him my boyfriend or husband. "hahaha no fool! I was horny! and I still am because you sucked!" listen men,,, not every woman wants a relationship of ANY degree. Especially when your just getting out of a ten year relationship where you had your spirit crushed every day by someone who you thought loved you, the last thing one would want would be another man trying to take up my time with anything more then sex.

mr. bank

ok.so here goes a story of a man i dated on occasion (and had sex with on occasion) for about a year. we met on 12/30/09 on new years eve eve...i had been out with my girlfriend...let's just call her "polleen" or "polly" for short. and we'll call him mr. bank...he had hit on me before...but i had no interest in him due to the fact that he was a bit younger...and kinda short for what i usually like. but he was handsome and i was drunk. so polly and i met mr. bank and some dude she was kinda into for the evening. we all were hanging out at the bar, drinking, talking, etc. it was snowing that night. we all ended up with beer back at my apartment. we were acting crazy, listening to music, taking pictures of one another like we were two couples that had been together for years. i didn't plan on sleeping with him...it just happened and i was drunk enough that the next morning i thought i remembered it being good. hmmm...key words being i thought i remembered...anyway...so he got up and had to leave by 4am...no big deal...i don't like actually sleeping next to strangers anyway. so we continued to see one another...i told him i didn't think he was telling me the truth when he said he was single for the simple fact that his son was only 7 months old. a one night stand drunk was one thing...because my judgement was clouded. but to continue any kind of relationship with substance with someone i already have issues trusting is not likely to happen. well he kept calling...he kept texting and we saw one another a few more times over the next couple months. then one night...the calls started...it was his "fiance" or as she called herself his "wife"...I WAS RIGHT!!! he was still in a relationship with his baby mama. i told her that if she wanted answers that she needed to speak to him...and that i was told that he was not in a relationship but that we were no longer seeing one another and if she were smart she'd do the same. well the calls didn't stop...they continued for a few weeks...all day from blocked numbers...all night from his phone or a blocked number. harassing me. well then a couple months had passed and i hear nothing from either of them...so i'm thinking finally they both got the hint. and then it's thank you facebook for bringing him back into my life. he friend requests me and like an idiot...i accept. he's listed as single and is sending me messages apologizing for lying to me and i proceed to tell him that i will never be able to trust him and that i don't even want to see him. sigh...i'ma blame it on the patron...this fool sucked me back in. short young handsome mr. bank...damn you and that smooth brown skin, bald head, charming smile and adorable dimples. for furk sake. not fair whatever god is up there...whoever you may be. so thanks to the patron and the dimples i end up naked and on top of him for the literally 3 seconds it lasted. got up the next morning...went home and damned myself to hell and washed myself in regret. i said that's it...never again. pfft. so there we are on the phone talking and me being a sucker...i believed him again...we went out for drinks...and that was the moment i realized that i could not be with this man...a man that drinks 3 beers and is outside the bar throwing up...that's not a man...that's a 12 year old girl. so we had sex one more time for the road and then i see it plain as the nose on my face on FB...he's listed as engaged to his "ex". so i sent him a short and sweet text that read "congrats on your REengagement creep!" and got no response...i knew i didn't want to be with him...but why the lies??? it wasn't like we were gonna get married and live happily ever after with our blended family and his short cummings. the kicker...this past saturday 1/29/11 i'm out at my brothers show at the north star with friends and my man picks me up (who will from here on out be referred to as the sheriff)...well i'm in the car waiting for him to grab some food and guess who calls me at 1:41am...yep...you got it...mr. bank. this furking douche called me to "apologize"...hmmm...i'm not a rocket scientist...but i'm pretty sure normal apologies don't come past 10pm. dur dur dur...well he now has a new asshole that i so kindly tore for him...and that is where this lovely little story ends...buh bye mr. bank ~may