the pimp in me may have to die with you

alright - i've been single (aka separated) for 2.5 years now and dated a lot and dated multiple men at the same time. i've told men i loved them and thought i meant it...but didn't mean it. i've had men fall for me and cut them loose for it. i've used men for what i could get out of them...just for the moment. and then...i met a man (the teddy bear) in november and fell for him in 2 weeks. everything that was on my list...well almost everything. and then he let me down...and he was done. the next day i met a wonderful man called "the sheriff". so in 11 days it will be 3 months that we've been together and i've been struggling with some kind of inner war with myself. i can't figure it out...i'm feeling weird about being commited yet i don't want to lose him. does this mean i'm not ready for a relationship...or is it just a fear that the shit is getting serious and i could potentially get hurt in the end again? i feel something pulling me towards my old ways...but i'm not that person anymore. every little things he does or says i'm instantly defensive all of a sudden. and then last night...it hit me...i figured it out. there is a certain balance that i am losing...will i lose myself in another relationship...in another man??? FUCK NO! is this man everything i want in a man...i'm not sure yet. why does everything need to be labeled? why do men think that women want their babies? why do men think that women want to get married? there are some of us who have been down that path already and it got us a life sentence of single parenting and one shitty income to live on. so what does it all mean now? it means i gotta slow it down and stay true to me. i have to learn to use my voice in a relationship like i have out of them in the past 2.5 years. i need to remind myself that nothing is forever...and we all get hurt...i need to remind myself that even though i might love him...i come first...and at the end of the day...if it's him or me...i'm gonna always choose me.